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I have this problem of putting God on hold during my school semester.  I feel overwhelmed and pressured to graduate next December.  I have been in school for 4 years and would like to be handed my own classroom.  Getting married and having responsibilities just piles up the reasons why I've been too busy to sit and be still before God. I have recently come to the conclusion that I am just trying my best to avoid what he is trying to tell me, in the most polite way ever.

I'm a planner, a big picture person.  I have to know all the facts and think of all the possible outcomes before making a decision.  I thought of this characteristic of my personality as a gift. Not everyone can think three steps ahead to keep from making bad decisions.  Only, God has been telling me something much different.  He keeps showing me how I am not trusting in Him if I am relying on my keen sense of preparedness. If I am prepared then I am fine. God doesn't really fit into that sentence. I'm afraid. I don't like walking on high ropes even if there is a life line to catch me.  The feeling is more than I can handle.  So I don't go on high ropes courses so I don't have to be tested or test the strength of the life line.

We had a plan 5 months ago.  We planned where we wanted to live and what schooling we wanted.  I like plans.  These plans were to be flexible.  I'm "flexible."I've been caught between two poles.  One going into missions and leaving my life and family here to teach in Africa or wherever. The opposite pole being live in Chicago and live for God doing whatever he wants. Both of these sound great to me.  But family gets in the way.  I love my family and I don't want to leave them.  I would leave them, but I don't desire to.  Then I hear sermons speaking about cleaving to your spouse.  What it means.  Marriage means leaving your family to start a new family.  God's desire in Malachi 2:15 is "godly offspring." I also heard a sermon yesterday speaking about when your dream dies.  What does it mean when God gives you a desire and a dream to carry it out then it falls apart? I have more questions than answers right now.  I feel like my dreams are changing, shifting, and I wasn't prepared for this.  God is so patient with me. I don't want to dictate my own life. I want what God wants.  I just need the peace to handle it.

I was never like this before!

This is going to be the beginning of a beautiful outlet for my anal-retentiveness.  I was never like this before I got married.  Often on teacher feedback forms my teachers said I was easy going. I could adjust and "go with the flow." Somehow that characteristic doesn't transfer over into my daily home life.
      Everyone told me going into this, "Marriage will show you how extremely selfish you are." I am finding myself to be more CRAZY than selfish.  I always thought my Mom was overreacting when she would come home from work and freak out over dishes being in the sink.  I always said, "It's no big deal, just go with the flow, Mom." I think secretly my Mother was praying for God to give me my come-up-ins. Its hard to explain the feeling, you know the one, you have been gone all day and you are tired and have a million things to do when you get home but the trouble is none of that matters until the dishes are done cause if you don't do them now they will never get done. Which will lead into odd smells coming from the food prep area and thats just plain gross.  As I thought this CRAZY was being passed down from generation to generation I realized other women were equally upset about the same things. I know, because they told me. So I must not be CRAZY. Right? At least not a bowl of CRAZY.   More to come :)